We're sorry. We
just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six
days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend
to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but
we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE.
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the
Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears
into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY
FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE
LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS
PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back,
because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee,
Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the
whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of
Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name
is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS
LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF
STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you
attempt to return the device to the store, and you are
missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in
the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he
enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the
box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular
snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet
containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended
6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a
matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR
MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say, "Margaret,
you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way
through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission
overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming
your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE:
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of
the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing
hazardous electrical current to flow through their
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug
Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is
equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs
Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an
outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with
a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE
LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN
YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE
OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE
DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER
CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY
MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER
ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON
TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it
is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two
times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something)
earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this
is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance
action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby
known that this device, together with but not excluding all
those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against
all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur
between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during
which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner,
send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from
their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of
evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive
designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS.
SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
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